Okay, maybe that is a little overboard but the iPod is my protector. Of What, you may ask? Everyday I have to commute 1/2 hour to the wonderful city of Manhattan. I know that this really isn’t a long commute by any means but if you had to listen to the low roar of lame music spewing from another riders headsets or the brain dead talk of some like, annoyingly like, stupid like, twit who like, needs to say like, like a hundred like, times you would owe all of your last bit of patience to this wonderful little jukebox. I have all but taken for granted my little pocket protector until this morning. I walked out the door and hit play on my portable cone of silence while making my walk to the subway. I almost screamed when the music didn’t start. The battery was dead. I now had to endure the trek into work. The senseless conversation, the lame music form around the world being spilt into my ear like the gas fumes I breath on daily basis. I knew it was going to kill me slowly. I had to contemplate going to work or turning around and calling it for the day. Like a suited warrior, I made my way to Times Square. Standing on the platform, I thought…this is OK. I can do this. The train came in no time at all. Painless. I enter the train. Shortly after I hear the pleasant bing bong of the intercom letting me know we are on our way. I find my spot for the trip. I notice the train is a little more crowded than usual. It is not until I notice a well dressed young man who starts talking to the guy with a neck tattoo that I realize I am surrounded. All around me are these suited robots sent out to convert us lost souls into the enlightenment of the Church of Latter Day Saints aka the Mormons. I panic. I keep repeating this mornings mantra; don’t talk to me, don’t talk to me, don’t talk to me. I am not a materialistic guy, hence me not realizing that I depend on my iPod for protection, but this morning the Mormons turned me into a sinner. I found myself praying that my iPod would somehow receive some divine power and turn on. I was let down once again by the Supreme Being, probably for my materialistic request. I’m still waiting for my big wheel and the death of that kid who punched me in the face for no damn reason when I was 10. You hear me?!?!?! Do you hear me?!?!?!
I’m sorry, I digress. Back to the Mormons. So here I am forced to listen to their sales pitch to this guy who would normally make them cling to their wallets. So the Mormon is explaining that he is a Christian from the Church of Jesus Christ and the Latter Day Saints. Great, I follow. He then let’s the gentleman know he is also known as a Mormon, no doubt piggy back marketing from the recent success of HBO’s Big Love. (Branding is branding people and Bill Paxton plays a like-able Mormon.) So neck tattoo guy says, “Why do they call you Mormon if you’re a Christian?” Good question neck tattoo guy. And the explanation goes something like this…”Well, we are Christian. I mean we are the “Church of Jesus Christ”,”under his breath he mumbles,” and Latter Day Saints.” Hmmm? The conversation begins to get fishy so I listen in. Neck tattoo guy then inquires about their separation form the church. Good question number two. Now this is where the lesson in the misuse of logic begins. The Mormon begins to explain how they follow two books, the Bible and a second book written by a prophet to North America. Being a good church going person Mr.Neck tattoo guy is he then says, ” Why do you need two books if one is the Bible?” Now we can certainly argue until the cows come home about this statement but for the purposes of this article we’ll all say we agree that the Bible is the only book to lead us to a better here-after. So good question number 3? Neck tattoo guy has impressed my judgmental self. Mormon boy begins to explain.
“Let’s say there is a dot right here on the wall. That dot is the Bible. You can draw five lines through this dot. You can draw 100 different lines through this dot. The lines represent the different ways to look at the bible.”
OK, I follow this logic but I don’t like where it is going.
“Now we Mormons have two books so we add a second dot. Now there is only one way to connect dots. One line.”
You have to be kidding me. That is your logic? Let’s break this down. If there is a pile of shit and you have to eat it, well, there are a hundred different ways to eat that pile of shit. But, if I give you a spoon, there is only one way to eat it. The crazy part of it is the Mormons will be the people feeding it to you.
I guess the lesson today is…Don’t eat shit and always make sure you turn off your iPod.
This is Bobby and I am out.
