Ok ladies, this one’s for you. I have started to notice a trend that I don’t like. Shorts with stockings underneath. Do you know what men call that? Pants. Now get some or lose the stockings.Seriously, hooker chic is not flattering.
I love my iPod Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Okay, maybe that is a little overboard but the iPod is my protector. Of What, you may ask? Everyday I have to commute 1/2 hour to the wonderful city of Manhattan. I know that this really isn’t a long commute by any means but if you had to listen to the low roar of lame music spewing from another riders headsets or the brain dead talk of some like, annoyingly like, stupid like, twit who like, needs to say like, like a hundred like, times you would owe all of your last bit of patience to this wonderful little jukebox. I have all but taken for granted my little pocket protector until this morning. I walked out the door and hit play on my portable cone of silence while making my walk to the subway. I almost screamed when the music didn’t start. The battery was dead. I now had to endure the trek into work. The senseless conversation, the lame music form around the world being spilt into my ear like the gas fumes I breath on daily basis. I knew it was going to kill me slowly. I had to contemplate going to work or turning around and calling it for the day. Like a suited warrior, I made my way to Times Square. Standing on the platform, I thought…this is OK. I can do this. The train came in no time at all. Painless. I enter the train. Shortly after I hear the pleasant bing bong of the intercom letting me know we are on our way. I find my spot for the trip. I notice the train is a little more crowded than usual. It is not until I notice a well dressed young man who starts talking to the guy with a neck tattoo that I realize I am surrounded. All around me are these suited robots sent out to convert us lost souls into the enlightenment of the Church of Latter Day Saints aka the Mormons. I panic. I keep repeating this mornings mantra; don’t talk to me, don’t talk to me, don’t talk to me. I am not a materialistic guy, hence me not realizing that I depend on my iPod for protection, but this morning the Mormons turned me into a sinner. I found myself praying that my iPod would somehow receive some divine power and turn on. I was let down once again by the Supreme Being, probably for my materialistic request. I’m still waiting for my big wheel and the death of that kid who punched me in the face for no damn reason when I was 10. You hear me?!?!?! Do you hear me?!?!?!
I’m sorry, I digress. Back to the Mormons. So here I am forced to listen to their sales pitch to this guy who would normally make them cling to their wallets. So the Mormon is explaining that he is a Christian from the Church of Jesus Christ and the Latter Day Saints. Great, I follow. He then let’s the gentleman know he is also known as a Mormon, no doubt piggy back marketing from the recent success of HBO’s Big Love. (Branding is branding people and Bill Paxton plays a like-able Mormon.) So neck tattoo guy says, “Why do they call you Mormon if you’re a Christian?” Good question neck tattoo guy. And the explanation goes something like this…”Well, we are Christian. I mean we are the “Church of Jesus Christ”,”under his breath he mumbles,” and Latter Day Saints.” Hmmm? The conversation begins to get fishy so I listen in. Neck tattoo guy then inquires about their separation form the church. Good question number two. Now this is where the lesson in the misuse of logic begins. The Mormon begins to explain how they follow two books, the Bible and a second book written by a prophet to North America. Being a good church going person Mr.Neck tattoo guy is he then says, ” Why do you need two books if one is the Bible?” Now we can certainly argue until the cows come home about this statement but for the purposes of this article we’ll all say we agree that the Bible is the only book to lead us to a better here-after. So good question number 3? Neck tattoo guy has impressed my judgmental self. Mormon boy begins to explain.
“Let’s say there is a dot right here on the wall. That dot is the Bible. You can draw five lines through this dot. You can draw 100 different lines through this dot. The lines represent the different ways to look at the bible.”
OK, I follow this logic but I don’t like where it is going.
“Now we Mormons have two books so we add a second dot. Now there is only one way to connect dots. One line.”
You have to be kidding me. That is your logic? Let’s break this down. If there is a pile of shit and you have to eat it, well, there are a hundred different ways to eat that pile of shit. But, if I give you a spoon, there is only one way to eat it. The crazy part of it is the Mormons will be the people feeding it to you.
I guess the lesson today is…Don’t eat shit and always make sure you turn off your iPod.
This is Bobby and I am out.
Run, Fatboy, Run Monday, March 31, 2008
It is not often that I can admit that I was wrong about a movie based on its trailer. I can even spot a great movie despite a horrible trailer or a bad movie with a great trailer. I will admit that I was terribly wrong about this film. The movie follows Daniel, Simon Pegg, an overweight lingerie store security guard who has yet been able to grow up. We witness him run away from his pregnant Fiancee, Thandie Newton, at the beginning of the movie.After witnessing this horrific set of events, we are wisked back to the present da, five years after his alter dodge. Picking up his son for a night of theater, Lord of the Rings, he comes face to face with his ex’s new love interest, Whit, played by Hank Azaria. Daniel begins to feel that not only is his ex slipping away but also his child. What can he do to compete with the successful, financially secure Whit? Run a marathon of course but not any marathon…The marathon he is running is the same one Whit has been bragging about since they met. With the help of his best friend Gordan, Dylan Moran, and his landlord Mr.Ghoshdashtidar, Harish Patel, Daniel begins getting in shape for the run. The race not only puts his pride on the line but also his family. Does he use distaste for Whit to propel him through what runner’s call The Wall or does he lose his family forever? I can say that the answer is worth the price of the ticket.
The cast is stellar. What more can I say about Simon Pegg and Hank Azaria? If you have not seen either in a film, Run, Fatboy, Run is great introduction to their comedic talent. I also walked away wanting to see more of Harish Patel, who blind sided me like an Indian tiger with his classic comedic timing and his endearing words of wisdom. Another stand out performer was Dylan Moran whose portrayal of Gordan had me reminiscing about Ralph Brown in Withnail & I. As much as you hate his character for being such a bad influence, you can’t help but love him for who he is. A very difficult task to accomplish.
I also have to mention the direction. David Schwimmer? I’m a judger and I have to say this is why I was not psyched about this movie. And for that I owe David Schwimmer a big apology. From the cinematography to the sound track, Mr. Schwimmer made a movie that was hilarious, endearing and even better entertaining. Mr. Schwimmer, I’m sorry. I can’t wait to see your next film.
For all those who read this, see this movie. It is a great story that draws you deeper and deeper as the movie progresses.
Welcome to the Monkey House… Thursday, April 12, 2007
Kurt Vonnegut dead at 84 | U.S. | Reuters
By Matthew Robinson NEW YORK (Reuters) – Kurt Vonnegut, whose dark, satirical vision in works including “Slaughterhouse-Five” and “Cat’s Cradle” was shaped by the horrors he witnessed during World War II, has died at age 84.
Vonnegut died on Wednesday after suffering brain injuries following a fall weeks ago, said Donald Farber, Vonnegut’s friend, lawyer, agent and manager.
Vonnegut wrote plays, essays and short fiction, but his 14 novels were classics of the American counterculture, resonating with the U.S. antiwar sentiment during the Vietnam War era.
The author’s Web site, updated after his death, displayed a simple black-and-white image of a bird cage — a symbolic element in his writing — empty with an open door. “Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. 1922-2007,” the page read.
“He was a beautiful man,” Farber said. “I never hung up the phone without having laughed, he always left me laughing, no matter what the circumstances of the world.”
“I last spoke to him the day he fell,” Farber said. “He was in good spirits. Every time he spoke with me no matter what the circumstances in the world, he had a funny angle on it even if it wasn’t a funny thing.”
Despite battles with severe depression, Vonnegut was known for his witticisms. Continued…
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Sounds like a great tattoo. Thursday, April 12, 2007
AN American man has tattooed cremation instructions on his arm in a bizarre recipe for eternal rest.The man, Russell Parsons, has tattooed: “Barlow Bonsall cook 1700-1800 for 2 to 3 hours”.
“It’s a recipe,” the 67-year-old widower told the Associated Press. “It’s a recipe for cremation.”
Barlow Bonsall Funeral Home and Crematorium manager Linda Wilson – where Parsons has prepaid for his cremation – said she thought Parsons was joking several weeks ago when he said he was going to have his final wishes tattooed on his arm.
But he wasn’t.
Parsons, a cancer survivor who still deals with injuries from his army service, said not everyone understands his attitude about life and death.
“I’m not afraid of death. I’m afraid of life,” he said. “I’m afraid of living and not being able to take care of myself.”
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My next job!!! Monday, March 26, 2007
Harlequin books seeks “real men” for covers
Sat Mar 24, 2007 5:04PM EDT
By Jonathan Spicer
TORONTO (Reuters) – Real men don’t pose for the cover of a Harlequin
romance. And that’s something the publisher wants to change.
Representatives of Harlequin Enterprises, the world’s biggest
publisher of romance novel series, inspected the assets of about 200
men who lined up at a Toronto casting house on Saturday to prove they
could flutter readers’ hearts better than professional models.
“We’re looking for some guys that are not your usual models, but
have that iconic look that women go for — sexy, sensitive, beautiful
and fit,” said Harlequin spokeswoman Marleah Stout, who attended the
open casting.
“We want real men … exactly what you think in your mind when you’re fantasizing or imagining that ideal man.”
Toronto-based Harlequin, a division of newspaper group Torstar
Corp., sold 131 million books in 94 countries last year. It estimates
that a third of American women have read at least one of its titles.
Until now, the publisher relied on modeling agencies to supply
bodies for its concupiscent covers. But the readership — predominantly
female and averaging 42 years of age — was upset when slight, young
cover models clashed with the brawny, mature heroes described within.
“Some of the heroes are captains of industry, billionaires,” said
Deborah Peterson, a Harlequin creative designer and a judge at the
audition. “A lot of the models were too young, men in their twenties
… and our audience likes men a little bit older, a bit bigger, than
the runway models.”
At the Toronto casting, chiseled hopefuls shed their shirts and
donned a cowboy hat for the panel while a handful of other judges
watched on closed-circuit camera in an adjacent room.
Several were asked to return for a book cover shot, where they may
earn up to C$250 ($215) an hour, according to male modeling agencies.
Others indulged their own fantasies.
“From what I understand, (Harlequin) readers are women who want to
escape from the relationship that they’re in,” said auditioner Carlos
Troccoli, 30, who was tall, sturdy and muscular. “I can bring that to
them.”
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And I thought my parents’ were bad… Wednesday, March 14, 2007
MOSCOW (Reuters) – A Russian woman paid a former convict to kill her
17-year-old son because she was fed up with sharing her small one-room
apartment with him, the newspaper Izvestia reported on Wednesday.
The
42-year-old crane operator paid the man a 2,100 rouble ($80) deposit to
kill her son, Izvestia said. But the would-be hitman told the police
who set up a sting operation and arrested her when she handed over the
900 rouble ‘completion’ payment.
The woman and her son shared the
tiny apartment in the Moscow region with their respective partners and
there were frequent rows, which became worse when the son’s girlfriend
became pregnant.
“The woman decided that by snuffing out her son she could solve her housing problems,” the paper said.
Prosecutors confirmed the report and said the suspect would be charged soon.
Chronic
housing shortages have dogged Russia for decades. The problem has eased
slightly since the collapse of the Soviet Union, but many families of
several generations still share cramped apartments.
© Reuters 2007. All Rights Reserved.A
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Now Chik-Fil-A will have to change their mascot. Thursday, March 8, 2007
KOLKATA, India (Reuters) – When dozens of chickens went missing from a remote West Bengal village, everyone blamed the neighborhood dogs.
But Ajit Ghosh, the owner of the missing chickens, eventually solved the puzzle when he caught his cow — a sacred animal for the Hindu family — gobbling up several of them at night.“We were shocked to see our calf eating chickens alive,” Ghosh told Reuters by phone from Chandpur village.
The family decided to stand guard at night on Monday at the cow shed which also served as a hen coop, after 48 chickens went missing in a month.
“Instead of the dogs, we watched in horror as the calf, whom we had fondly named Lal, sneak to the coop and grab the little ones with the precision of a jungle cat,” Gour Ghosh, his brother, said.
Local television pictures showed the cow grabbing and eating a chicken in seconds and a vet confirmed the case.
“We think lack of vital minerals in the body is causing this behavior. We have taken a look and have asked doctors to look into the case immediately,” Mihir Satpathy, a district veterinary officer, said by phone.
“This strange behavior is possible in some exceptional cases,” Satpathy said.
Hundreds of villagers flocked to Chandpur on Wednesday to catch a glimpse of Lal, enjoying his bundle of green grass for a change.
“The local vets said the cow was probably suffering from a disease but others said Lal was a tiger in his previous birth,” Ajit added.
My take: Run for the hills folks. Global Warming? This is mass hysteria. Cats and Dogs living together. This is the end. My friends, the end.
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I’ll get beat up for $400!!! Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Stand-in mistress sought to take wife’s abuse | Oddly Enough | Reuters.com
BEIJING (Reuters) – A Chinese businessman has advertised on the Internet for a stand-in mistress to be beaten up by his wife to vent her anger and to protect his real mistress, Chinese media reported on Monday.“When the woman found out her husband had a mistress, she insisted on beating her up,” the Beijing Youth Daily said, citing the advertisement posted on a popular online jobs forum on sina.com. More than 10 people had applied for the job, the newspaper said. The “successful” candidate would be 35 and originally from northeastern China and would be paid 3,000 yuan ($400) per 10 minutes, it said. Many Chinese businessmen keep mistresses in second homes, a trend banished after the Communists swept to power in 1949 but which has made a comeback with market reforms in recent decades.
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Bald is, well, not so beautiful. Wednesday, February 21, 2007
After what I guess was a cry for help, the dethroned Pop Queen decided to idolize Irish singing sensation Sinead O’Connor. After she shaved her own head at a Ventura Blvd. salon, she went to get new ink at a local tattoo shop. She started screaming that she was tired of everyone touching her. Huh? I think someone needs to fade away. Go enjoy your money and relax. And for Christ’s sake, please cover your bumpy head with some hair. You look like Mandy Patinkin in Alien Nation.
And I’m out.
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